Few Bitcoin stories are as enduring and as entertaining as that of perpetual loser Logansryche, one of the least successful bitcoiners out there. From failed virtual businesses to failed real businesses to failed business ideas, he embodies the true spirit of Bitcoin.

He was well known for being one of the ?best? ideas guys out there, starting with his past business experience: a now defunct Second Life animal shelter. He would take in abandoned virtual pets, virtually feed them, and find them new virtual homes with virtual owners. This ended predictably, with all the fake animals starving to death in Videoland. This somehow qualified him to run more advanced and profitable businesses, such as BitCard, his online gift card store, but with Bitcoin! BitCard, originally hosted on some shady free webhost, was to supply not only a wide array of retail gift cards, but collectible trading cards as well, such as rare (not actually rare) Pok?mon cards, baseball cards, and of course, Magic: the Gathering cards.

He had high hopes for his little store, keeping people updated at the Bitcoin forums, where nobody paid much attention except to tell him to buy a real domain instead of using what was probably an open relay filled with Russian spammers. After mooching off a friend to buy a real domain, he finally set up thebitcardstore.com, where he first sold (didn?t sell) trading cards, and then added gift cards. The site was plagued with issues that he never really fixed, such as ?being able to purchase things? or ?staying open.?

In the meantime, he advertised his services as a ?developer? and offered to set up stores for other Captains of Industry. His first (and only) customer reported a less-than-stellar experience. Logansryche claimed to have worked on things for a grueling seven hours, only to have nothing to show for it. Once his customer discovered that nothing worked correctly, Logansryche demanded an additional payment to fix it. In his defense, ?Bravenet uploads files in chunks under 30mb externally, it took? 3 1/2 hours to upload Open Cart and 2 modules? which allegedly weighed in at 100 MB. He knows how long it took because he marked down each attempt to upload on a Post-It note on his monitor, so everyone knows. Insisting that the initial prepayment was a gift, he demanded more money for doing nothing, in typical Bitcoin fashion. Eventually his customer offered him a fraction of a Bitcoin because he ?did his best.? Logansryche continued to blame everyone else for his shortcomings.

At some point Logansryche decided that he desperately needed a 1994 Ford Explorer, because only that particular year?s model could put up with his hard driving (total and complete lack of maintenance.) So he cooked up various ridiculous money making schemes which, as expected, ultimately failed. One such scheme was selling electronics. By electronics we mean he literally pulled a bunch of components from old PC motherboards and tried to sell each one individually. For the parts that weren?t pried loose with pliers, he was using a small blowtorch to melt the solder and singe the parts themselves. In his own words, ?they smell something awful?. When this failed, he went back to hawking gift cards at 70 to 100% markup. When this was pointed out, he blamed some script and now every card is marked up ten percent, which just happens to always equal two dollars. ?Do some math yeesh.?

After picking a few fights on the forums, he was called out as a scammer after failing to deliver the one gift card he ever managed to sell. Bitcointalk user cablepair?bought a ten dollar card, and mentioned that he needed it quickly. Logansryche didn?t deliver, since he himself had to purchase the card (now a code) from some other retailer and was beyond broke. cablepair requested a refund and was rebuffed several times, eventually only providing the funds after borrowing them from his girlfriend. This marked the end of the BitCard store.

It was then that internet detectives dug up some hilarious dirt on the guy, including his unhealthy love of Disney?s The Jungle Book spinoff TaleSpin and his sad attempt to petition Disney to hand over the rights to the show to him, so he and a bunch of other amateur manchildren could make new episodes. When told that this was an unrealistic goal, he threw a tantrum and eventually gave up.

The failed store, escrow services, hours-long uploads, and tantrums were nothing compared to his grandest plans: to buy the derelict Hub Theater in Rochelle, IL?and turn it into a wonderland of Bitcoin, soda, and every film imaginable. This was amazing on so many levels, as his lack of planning, comprehension, and business acumen came together to create a huge, beautiful trainwreck. He requested donations totaling $350,000 to completely renovate the theater, focusing primarily on the concession stand and ignoring important things such as parking, fire safety, and the movies themselves. Here is his complete bill of materials:

5? Fountain Drink Counter $579
48? Storage $509 x4
20? Trash Can $415 x2
Topper w/warmer $372 x4
1000 16oz Cups $63
500 32oz Cups $60
500 44oz Cups $68
2k 16oz Cup Lids $61
1k 32oz Cup Lids $40
1k 44oz Cup Lids $41
Corn Dog Fryer $638
Corn Dog Batter $42
1k Corn Dog Skewers $35
Cotton Candy MAchine $495
Cotton Candy Mix $50
1k Cotton Candy Stix $30
Deep Fryer $232
Popcorn Scooper $14
Popcorn Butter $85
20v Fountain Drink Machine $11,000 x2
5gal Diet Dr. Pepper Syrup $67
5gal Dr. Pepper Syrup $67
5gal RC Cola Syrup $67
5gal 7up Syrup $67
5gal Pink Lemonade Syrup $42
5gal Sunkist Orange Syrup $67
5gal Pepsi Syrup $OOS
5gal Diet Pepsi Syrup $OOS
The Hub Theater $175,000
Carpeting need dims
Epson Projector $2,000 x2
Popcorn Popper $958
Hot Dog Steamer $533
Condiment Station $457 x2
Cash Register $200
Credit Card Machine $300
Convection Oven $1,047 x2
Cinema Seats $127,000
16? Pizza Oven $1,574
14? Pizza Oven $1,400
Pretzel Oven $1,400
24?24? Register Counter $275
24?70? Counter $405
Spiral Fry Cutter $458
500 Large #5 Tray $31
50lb bag Popcorn Kernals $35
Popcorn Caramel Glaze $35
Butter Flavored Popcorn Salt $28
5gal Fruit Punch Syrup $51
5gal Hawian Punch Syrup $76
5gal Coke Classic Syrup $122
5gal Barq?s Root Beer Syrup $122
5gal Cherry Coke Syrup $122
5gal Coke Zero Syrup $122
5gal MM Lemonade Syrup $122
5gal Sierra Mist Syrup $OOS

His plans for the rest of the theater?s operations were less thought out. The projectors he?d selected were beyond inadequate, being more suited to a conference room than a theater of any size, and his plans for the films themselves were to obtain DVDs or just stream from Netflix, ignoring copyright and licensing altogether. After being told over and over again that none of this would work, he promptly gave up, his theater dreams unfulfilled. He didn?t resume posting regularly for nearly a year.

Logansryche?s next big business plan was to sell custom made guitar picks, using yet another crappy free website. This is when we learned how the Creative Commons license isn?t actually an alternative copyright option, but allows him to ?print any logo [he] wish[es] as long as [he doesn?t] claim copyright to it.? All art, music, literature, and other creative endeavors are free for the taking, as long as you remember to slap a CC logo on it somewhere and don?t claim it as your own. Clearly this is how he would have shown every movie ever in his now-forgotten theater. After being extensively educated on copyright law by a few patient forum posters, he located a cache of royalty-free art. Seventeen days after he began, he had lost interest and moved on to considering purchasing a Sun Microsystems server with money that he didn?t have in order to try Bitcoin mining again.

Catching up with Logansryche today, we find that he?s going to help his cousin become a professional video game player by begging for $3,000 for computer hardware, he?s going to launch an internet TV station about the paranormal, using a the Ghostbusters logo (it?s OK, because Creative Commons!) by begging for $2,000, and he?ll be creating an internet gaming music video channel, also by begging for $2,000. It?s satisfying to note that all three of these are completely unfunded, though he?s kept everyone updated (whether they wanted to know or not) on the status of his pro gaming journey, which is basically ?we won a game.?

In addition to this, he?s looking to move from some despondent community in NY to some despondent community in FL:

We are here to attempt to raise money to move from Syracuse, NY to Ornaldo, FL. Our current residency is quickly becoming unlivable. The walls in the bathroom are quickly becoming infested with black mold(which I?m allergic to), the floor in the kitchen have become wavy and the house is generally becoming smaller and smaller by the day. We had an inspector come to the house and he said that the shakes on the outside of the house are asbestos, the porch overhang is ready to fall since the supports were made of metal, and there?s no insulation in the walls anywhere(there?s that crumbly stuff in the attic, but that?s it). We were told by three different contractors that to fix everything would cost over $200,000.00 ? Our solution to the matter is to move out of New York and back to Orlando, Florida. I spent eight years there and have a good repitoir with management of Titusville Publix so I would be able to get work there. We found a few properties that would help us achieve our goal.

The first is a property that?s easy to get to from everywhere and costs $90,000 and HOA fees are $500/mo. It?s a 1/1 condo located in Plantation Park. Link

The second is a 2/2 mobil home for in a park for $28,500 and lot rent there is $528 +utilities.

The third is a 3/2 house for sale for $49,900.

Either way we look at it, in addition to these prices, we would need to either rent or buy a box truck and an additional vehicle to drive around in. Before anyone asks, we?re both on SSI and make only enough to cover the mortage, water, electricity, and internet. We?ve cut as much misc money from our budget as we can and it ends up back into the house somewhere. Please help us achieve our goal of $150,000 we would really appreciate it.

Here?s the $49K mansion mentioned above:

And that, save for some minor disgusting personal details, is our very favorite Bitcoiner.

Product goes here. Description goes here. Pathetic existence goes here.